alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
