That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Houston, we have a blender
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
