Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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