I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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