so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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