I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
