I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
