After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Success! We fucked roommates!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
