I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
