My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
