wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
