I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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