My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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