The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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