He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
