i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
