I heard we made out
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
