Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
