Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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