Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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