I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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