Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
