Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
