My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
