Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
