How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
