I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The air was thick with penises
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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