he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
