1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
