im about as happy as oj after his trial
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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