Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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