Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
