grandma shit on top of the toilet
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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