I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
