do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
