I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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