I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
