do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
