he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
But break dance skills will only take you so far
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
