I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
