never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
