why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
