They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
