Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
