Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
