She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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