I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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