My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
