Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think my vagina is haunted
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
