Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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