This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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