So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
